How To Have a Productive Weekend When Work is Slow and Your Best Friend is in Canada (MEDIOCRENINjA EDITION):
- Purchase an extremely large diabetes-inducing three layer triple chocolate cake. Pretend said cake is the newest tier on the Food Guide Pyramid. Consume said cake at every meal. And snack time. And during commercials. And TV shows. And bathroom breaks.
- Eat 3 frozen dinners to counterbalance the positive benefits of uncontrollable energy and shakiness the cake will induce. You don’t want your friends thinking you’re TOO healthy. They’ll be intimidated.
NOTE: Make sure you heat the frozen dinners at 1 in the morning in the loudest possible microwave.
- Lovingly raise a brood of singing monsters to level 10 on your android phone, then proceed to throw phone into volcano and curse the skies when your account gets deleted.
- Enter an old lady’s house disguised as a plumber’s assistant. Do everything in your power to procure a compliment on how you’re such a pretty plumber.
- Realize this is a backhanded compliment.
- Proceed to create old lady voodoo doll.
- Sneak into your neighbors’ backyard and take pictures of their cats.
- Occupy your mind with an illogical crush on a kid you met three weeks a go. Make sure to have had zero thoughts about said boy until exactly 3 weeks have passed.
- Scratch head in confusion and tell yourself you need to get out more.
- Finally decide to get out and head over to Office Max wearing jogging shorts. Proceed to attract stalker employees for the duration of your stay. Count this as a compliment.
NOTE: wear sweat-stained shirt for optimal effect.
- Finally, REPEAT STEPS AS NECESSARY. Throw in dinosaurs and chick flicks for an added bonus.