The day elderly women began rocking the Full House-era John Stamos quaff is the day I realized I could be accidentally bisexual.
As I drove through the streets the other day using my superior 90/20 vision, a glorious (albeit blurry) image besought my irregularly-shaped eyeballs. From across the street I beheld a gorgeous man, bedecked in flowing plaid khakis (always a classic) and a large polo shirt. Even more striking than his classy swagger and timeless fashion-sense, however, was his magnificent head of flowing locks. They were a gift from the heavens themselves; dark as sinful passion, luscious as candy lips, and fuller than an orchid’s bloom at midnight. His hair was beyond anything I could have ever dared to imagine.
And at 5 yards away, “He” suddenly turned into “Her.”
At least 60-years-old, slightly hunched, bespeckled in Harry Potter rims and most definitely female.
Okay, in no way am I against freedom of choice. Choose whatever hairstyles you desire; who doesn’t want to look like John Stamos? However, keep in mind that certain people who SHOULD be wearing glasses do not do so (due to money issues, or laziness, or an attempt to rise against optic oppressors) and may experience around 2.7 seconds of intense attraction to your finely crafted quaff. This could possibly lead to a permanent loss of sexual identity and/or a socially questionable relationship involving an androgynous grandmother and a confused minor.
Once you realize just how similar attractive men and bouffant-rocking women appear, you begin to notice other striking parallels. Both enjoy food; both naturally breathe air; both blink and cough and sneeze. Many members of the young male species and elderly women may enjoy partaking in Froot Loops or watching Breaking Bad or avoiding beaches during Shark Week or sharing the commonality of sharing nothing in common.
It’s creepy. It’s weird. It’s alarming.
And it’s all preventable with Lasik surgery. Santa save me now before I accidentally marry Eugenia and end up with step-children 20 years my senior.