How To Have a Productive Weekend When Work is Slow and Your Best Friend is in Canada (MEDIOCRENINjA EDITION):
- Purchase an extremely large diabetes-inducing three layer triple chocolate cake. Pretend said cake is the newest tier on the Food Guide Pyramid. Consume said cake at every meal. And snack time. And during commercials. And TV shows. And bathroom breaks.
- Eat 3 frozen dinners to counterbalance the positive benefits of uncontrollable energy and shakiness the cake will induce. You don’t want your friends thinking you’re TOO healthy. They’ll be intimidated.
NOTE: Make sure you heat the frozen dinners at 1 in the morning in the loudest possible microwave.
- Lovingly raise a brood of singing monsters to level 10 on your android phone, then proceed to throw phone into volcano and curse the skies when your account gets deleted.
- Enter an old lady’s house disguised as a plumber’s assistant. Do everything in your power to procure a compliment on how you’re such a pretty plumber.
- Realize this is a backhanded compliment.
- Proceed to create old lady voodoo doll.
- Sneak into your neighbors’ backyard and take pictures of their cats.
The more frightened they look, the better you’re doing it.
- Occupy your mind with an illogical crush on a kid you met three weeks a go. Make sure to have had zero thoughts about said boy until exactly 3 weeks have passed.
- Scratch head in confusion and tell yourself you need to get out more.
- Finally decide to get out and head over to Office Max wearing jogging shorts. Proceed to attract stalker employees for the duration of your stay. Count this as a compliment.
NOTE: wear sweat-stained shirt for optimal effect.
- Finally, REPEAT STEPS AS NECESSARY. Throw in dinosaurs and chick flicks for an added bonus.
Burnt-out: It’s the word of the day. Tomorrow’s word will be fatigued, with Monday’s word being worn-down and exhausted inhabiting Tuesday’s word slot. I’ve done entirely much more than I have ever done before, and it is awesome. But I am done. The sudden onslaught of half-marathons, socializing and final projects has left my mind, body, and living space in a state of horror. For a girl who has almost quite literally done nothing in her life, doing “stuff” can be difficult. I can handle it, but I need some serious R&R first. T-Minus 31 days until freedom. Until then, senioritis hits hard. And I intend to hit back.
“Detox,” the body screamed, “Detox me.” French’s fried onions are my current poison of choice. Dear God, I may even be addicted to this faux salad topper. I have a serious problem: I legitimately get addicted – cravings, withdrawals, the whole bit – to certain foods. Bouillon cubes, apple cider and hot cocoa mix (straight up dry), ramen, chips… Disgustingly satisfying. And horrendous for the body. My goal is to become a certified health nut, but the harder I try to change my eating lifestyle, the harder I go to town with the craptastic food. I am so frustrated. My brain is like “detox~” but my body is like “CHICKEN NUGGETS!” Part of the problem is stress. I’m a stress-eater. Another part is lack of sleep, which is something I will have to endure for 31 more days (or change my sleeping habits, but that’s a battle for a later time). The last part of my problem is the fact that I possess no cooking skills with which to create delicious and nutritious meals. But cooking…is my worst enemy. My arch-nemesis. I honestly feel like stabbing anything and everyone in the near vicinity every time I am tasked with creating sustenance for my homestead.
HOWEVER, I have a hippie-inspired goal of banishing all hatred from my life. This includes turning the seething cauldron of loathing I feel towards cooking into a warm embrace of growth and camaraderie. Plus I really need to learn how to take care of myself and my future brood. And cooking healthy foods means eating healthy foods, which makes me fit, which makes me feel good. And sexy. And more capable. And awesome. And I’ll live a longer life than everyone else. Which means I win. I can only see good coming from this… it’s going to be a difficult battle, conquering food, but I shall triumph.